Hello world! I’ve toyed with this blogging thing for quite some time now. I’ve kept a journal for over 20 years so why not? Really it’s beyond me why anyone would be interested in my life but whatever. Here I am.
A little over one year ago I took my son and my dogs and walked out of my marriage after only 1 year and 7 months. I’m not going into the details right now. That’s another entry, another day. But trust me. Marriage is not something that I take lightly and I had very valid reasons. There are things in a marriage that you agree to compromise and put up with when you say I do. The things that were going on in mine were not those things. But I digress…
So, the last year has had it’s ups and downs but, honestly, the ups win by a landslide. With every fiber of my being I know it was the right thing to do, both for me and the N-man. But let me tell you being a single mother is freaking ridiculously hard work. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t question my choice or wonder if there will ever be a time in the future that his dad will suddenly be the man I wished he could have been when we were still together. (fortunately, everytime I have that thought he does something to confirm that I did the right thing.) Single motherhood sucks, big time. But something happened this past week that just re-lit the fire inside me and I’ve been on a high ever since. It may seem silly to you, but it was one of those moments that was just profound for me.
N-man woke up , well sort of, sometime around 1:30 am. He was in that not exactly lucid, in between sleep and conciousness state, crying, more like howling, unconsolably. It was just painful to listen to. NOTHING would comfort him. All attempts to soothe him resulted in a patented back arch head butt move that will make him famous someday should he decide that professional wrestling is his calling in life. After about 45 minutes I finally burst into tears and just walked out of the room, lay down on the floor of the loft and just sobbed along with him by myself, sick as all hell of this single mother crap. This is not what I signed up for. Not not NOT!! So there I lay ignoring my baby’s howling, having a total meltdown, and feeling like the crappiest mom ever. It was at least another 30 minutes before he was asleep again. Another hour before I was.
Fast forward to 6:00 am, which was not nearly far enough off. Radio comes on and one of my current favorite songs comes on, Chris Tomlin’s How Great is Our God. (Yes, in the last year I have also re dedicated myself to being an active, practicing Christian. Again … another entry, another day) Perfect. Because after last night I can’t cope anymore and I can still feel my eyes swollen shut from the crying and the last thing I want to do is get up and face the day, alone, again. Chris speaks to me with every song he writes. He slaps me around and puts my head back on me. I love him. (Yet again another entry, another day, but am I guaranteed a one way ticket to hell for lusting over a Christian recording artist?) And as I’m laying there just trying to internalize the lyrics …How great is our God? Sing with me… and get myself back to vaguely human so I can get another day over with, I hear a little voice from the other side of the bed. “our God.” Suddenly I was wide awake sitting, sitting up with the lights on. What did you just say? He flashes his tiny, Chicklet teeth. He bats his unbelievably long, thick, beautiful eye lashes that he inherited from his dad. He looks me in the eye and says, “Sing. Our God.” Not just once but over and over again. My 20 month old child is singing, sort of, the one song that just might convince me that today is worth getting out of bed for. I don’t know how in the world he knows this song but … actually, I still haven’t found the words that describe that moment for me. I may be a swollen, blubbering mess, but I’ve oviously done something right sometime in the last year.
Look, the bottom line is, being a single mother sucks. It REALLY sucks. But it’s worth every. single. second. of every. single. sleepless night alone. And honetly, I’m really lucky. DAMN lucky for so many reasons. I have NO room to complain at all. This may not be what I signed up for, but honestly, life rarely is. And so here I am. Maybe I’ll say something some other single mom can relate to that inspires her to realize her own power and strength. Maybe my insane rambling will help you by boring you to sleep at night. Or maybe I’ll just provide some giggles and grins with a random N-man story now and then. What ever the reason is you’ve read this far, thanks. And hang on tight because this single motherhood life is one wild ride.
October 22, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Hey Cyn – Who would read it? Me while procrastinating going to bed!
I have to say I love that song too.
You are WAY ahead of the game girl – I look back and wish I had made those decisions much more firmly about following God as opposed to my own foolishness AFTER I had Reagen, but BEFORE I got married.
I love Tim and we get along great now, but it’s tough being a practicing Chrisitan – which for me means being in church Sun AM, Sun PM, Wed, and doing daily Bible reading and prayer- married to an atheist (or whatever he is now days. So, my point is, I also believe that as Chrisitans, boy we would have chosen some different fellas!