Can we talk?

Let’s talk about dating for a second. Let’s talk about me dating.   I’m tyring to be as out there as any single mom with a toddler, full time job, big group of family and friends, and personal hobbies can be.  Really I am.  But the bottom line is, when I step back and look at the situation and ask myself why, the resounding answer is, I don’t know.  I don’t know why I’m trying to be out there consciously looking.  I don’t know why I should want to be dating.  Why do I need to be dating?    What exactly is it that a relationship with a man can give me that is missing from my life?   Because I don’t feel what so ever that there is actually anything missing.  I have a very rewarding career.  I have the funds to provide for the N-Man and myself while still setting money away for the future.   I have wonderful friends and family who surround me with love every day.   I’m actively involved in pursuing my own personal drives with the hoofed one.  I’m not sad.  I’m not lonely.  I am not missing my other half.   I am  whole.  I am complete.  I am honestly happy with exactly how things are in my personal life.     IF I add a man to my life it will only be the cherry on the already very delicious sundae, not the magic ingredient that suddenly fixes an otherwise lacking existence.

I know exactly what you are thinking right now.  You’re thinking about sex.  But a man can give me that.  Right? Sure, sex, good sex, is fabulous.  Wonderful.  Stupendous.  And yes, there was once a point in my life where I would have proclaimed that it was a necessary thing for one to actually be happy and satiated, something I would have actively sought out if it had been too long without.    But that was then and this is now.   My perspective has changed tremendously and I’m at a point in my life where I have more respect for myself and my body than seeking out sex just for the sake of having sex.    Emotionless, non connected, uncommitted sweating and grunting has no place in my bed anymore.      Booty calls and friends with benefits relationships are not on my agenda.  Those things may be lots of fun while in your 20’s, but with my 40’s just around two more corners, those kinds of “relationships” just seem sad and desperate.  Certainly lonlier thanwhat I have on my own right now.  It’s not something I’m even remotely interested in.   At this juncture I want solidly built, stable commitment first.  If I don’t have that, I’m not hopping beneath the sheets.   Period.  Do I miss it sometimes?  HELL yeah, I miss it.  Of course I do.   But that’s why God created the wonderful man that invented the D battery.  I’m in it for quality (and by quality I do not mean Earth shattering, multiple O’s), not quantity. 

Honestly, I feel as if right now I’m simply trying to put up an appearance of being out there again, going through the motions, because there is an unwritten expectation that at some point I will WANT to be back out there.  And yes, I do want to get out there again… when the time is right.   But I get frustrated with a society that says we, as women, can’t possibly be happy unless we have a man in our lives to fill some glaring void.    It makes me sad that so many people, women, still buy into it.   Apparently there is still a part of me that somewhat buys into it too and I am so disappointed in myself at that realization.  If I’m happy, why do I have to be dating people I’m not truly interested in just for the sake of dating?   Why am I trying to put myself back out there if I’m just not into it?  Why?

The bottom line is, it’s just not my priority right now.  I’m  not sorry  I’m sorry,  but it’s not.     I look back at my marriage and already feel like I’ve been there done that, wandered aimlessly down a road that I wasn’t fully interested in traveling because society says that’s what we should do, what is expected of us after a certain age.  I’ve already made enough of a mess of too many lives because I  convinced myself that if I just quit bucking  the mores and norms and did it, society would be right and I’d be happy in the end.   Hmmmm… not so much.       And I’m not going to do it again.   I just have too much at stake to settle anymore.  Besides, I deserve to have what I want, not have almost what I want.   So, if Mr. Right comes along, fine.  I do have my eyes open.  I’m not declaring a comprehensive disdain for all things testosterone driven. Not at all.  I am looking around, taking stock of what’s out there.  I won’t  let the right one pass me by.   But I’m also not interestied in partaking in a game in which I’m not fully invested  just to kill time  until it happens.     So while I so very much appreciate the concerns and the well wishes of my dear and loving friends and family who just don’t want to see me wither away alone,  thank you, but I’m doing this my way this time and on my schedule.   But that’s not to say that, should you have one in mind that might fit the very tightly construed bill, I won’t be  listening….